


Joint Cryptid Journalism

by jabedalien



Series: Modern Vampirism [2]
Category: Community (TV), The Eric Andre Show
Genre: ? you guys what is this, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Crossover, Eric Andre is an immortal, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Post-Finale, Series, Vampire Abed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25731367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabedalien/pseuds/jabedalien
Summary: With the recent scandals plaguing Ellen Degeneres, we the people of the world hereby nominate and elect Eric Andre to become the new permanent host of The Ellen Show. Fans have been lining up outside of NBC Studios, Adult Swim, The White House, and for some reason my house too....all chanting: " Get Eric Andre to replace Ellen, keep show format the same. Also don't change the name!!"These fans keep me up at night, please...for the love of god sign the petition and make Eric Ellen...I NEED SLEEP!!https://www.change.org/p/the-ellen-show-make-eric-andre-the-host-of-the-ellen-show
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Series: Modern Vampirism [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866472
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Joint Cryptid Journalism

**Author's Note:**

> so this is set after my original modern vampirism fic! it is the most self indulgent crap i have ever written but i love the eric andre show and let's be honest he's clearly a vampire. also vampire abed just needs to continue to exist

“Hey Jeff,” Abed called out from the kitchen, in that voice that always meant he was up to something. “I got a really interesting email today.”

“Whose it from?” Jeff asked from their bed, refusing to bite.

“Can’t you just come look at it?”

Jeff sighed and got up, going over to the table, where Abed’s laptop is open to an email, and his pointer finger is pressed against a name.

“ _The Eric Andre Show_?” Jeff read. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it.”

“Oh Jeff,” Abed said, looking up at him with a grin, almost sinister with the way his fangs glint. “It’s pretty great. We need to watch it right now.”

The look on Abed’s face made it clear he wasn’t getting out of this, so he walked over to the couch and sat down. Abed clicked play on an episode of what looked like the lowest budget talk show he’d ever seen, more likely to be filmed in their basement than on and actual studio lot, and as the intro starts the host destroys the set. Jeff wasn’t quite sure whether to laugh or cringe, and Abed’s just grinning.

“So this _interview_ of Jack Black involves him doing whip-its?”

“Or whatever random shit Eric feels like doing,” Abed explained. “Have you ever thought Jack Black looks like that guy, Buddy? Who wanted to join the study group?”

“Don’t remind me of that,” Jeff cringed. “but no, not really.”

“Huh, okay. I guess it’s just me. But that email was forwarded from people at Adult Swim. He wants to interview me, promote my stuff.”

“And this is going to promote it… how?” Jeff asked, gesturing to the screen, where coffee was shooting out of the mug on the desk.

“I don’t know, and I don’t really care. It’s entertaining, isn’t it?”

“I almost can’t look away.” Jeff laughed. “But if you can’t show up on film, how’s it gonna work?”

“They said a few times I couldn’t do it, because it’s not anonymous enough, but someone said Eric’s gonna handle it personally.”

“I don’t think this guy can handle much of anything.” Jeff said, still watching and enjoying more than he’d ever admit to Abed.

“I don’t disagree, but I guess we’re gonna find out.”

…

“So today we’ve got Abed Nadir, who’s here to promote his movie Modern Vampirism. Come on out, Abed!”

The applause track played as Abed awkwardly shifted around the divider and made his way to the chair.

“So your show, it’s about vampires, right?”

“Pretty much.” Abed said back. He was far beyond caring about his movie right now. He was sitting in the chair on the Eric Andre show, and it did in fact smell like dead fish. What mattered right now was enjoying every second of this.

“Love those little bloodsuckers. Super sexy, I mean did you SEE baby Renesmee in Twilight? Hot as fuck.”

“Hey, what’s your name again?” Hannibal asked, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Abed?” he answered, puzzled.

He held out the huge loaf of garlic bread he was holding. “Want some of this?”

“No thanks.” Abed said, leaning away. He wasn’t even sure where Hannibal had gotten it from, considering he definitely wasn’t holding it when he walked in.

“So—” Eric interrupted. “You’re here for mandatory community service after giving a whole daycare full of kids bath salts.”

“Really? That’s pretty dope.” Hannibal said, hitting Abed on the shoulder with the bread.

“That’s not—” Abed started, but Eric was going again.

“You were also recently elected the president of South Wyoming, great stuff, great stuff.” Eric trailed off, grabbing the mug off his desk and throwing it towards the band. It grazed a cymbal before hitting the ground, the noise reverberating through the small studio.

“I love it there, that’s a fuckin’ honor.” Hannibal added, unfazed.

“We got you this key to the city.” Eric said, and pointed over Abed’s shoulder. He turned to Hannibal, who was holding a huge key.

“Pure silver my man.” It seemed pretty accurate actually, by the way Hannibal was straining a little to hold it up. “Maybe you can go to a scrap yard, melt that shit down into a reallyyyy nice dildo.”

Abed’s eyes widened and he couldn’t even begin to find the words to say, he was far too focused on not breaking.

“Go on, take it.” Hannibal said again, and Abed leaned away, imagining the burns it’d probably give the palms of his hands.

“He doesn’t want our gift.” Eric said, sounding disappointed. He slammed his fist down in frustration and it broke through the top of the desk.

“Sorry.” Abed said quietly.

“Well are you thirsty man? Wanna bite the naked P.A.?!”

“I really don’t—”

“ALRIGHT THE MAN’S THIRSTY BRING THE NAKED P.A. OUT HERE!” Eric yelled.

Abed was going to protest, but he could already see the guy being dragged through the curtains. He was actually naked, and Abed tried to avoid looking by covering his eyes with his hands. There was enough space between his fingers to see Eric screaming, and him pummeling the P.A. as someone else held him up. When Eric was satisfied, they pulled the guy out of frame and Eric sat back down.

“So this was Abed Nadir, thanks for joining us today.” He said, leaning back in his chair. “Anything to say to the audience?”

Abed looked out to the empty set and shrugged. “Investigate 3/11.”

“A man with taste. That’s our show everybody!” Eric yelled over the applause track, kicking the desk to pieces.

…

As the set was cleaned up, Abed watched as Eric stepped out of character. It was sort of uncanny, like in an instant he went from the face he saw on screen to someone else entirely. It was oddly familiar too, considering it was something he did as well. When Eric stood up, shaking the dust of his pants and looking at Abed, and he watched his face shift, it was like watching a playback of himself as Batman or Don Draper or Han Solo.

“You’re getting picked up where they told you?” Eric asked.

It was so casual and foreign all at once that Abed just nodded.

“Alright, I’ll walk you out.”

Abed threw his sweatshirt hood up and went towards the exit, but Eric motioned behind the set instead. He followed, and between the rubble of broken prop desks and the clutter of new ones was a door. Eric swung it open to a corridor.

“Won’t be needing those, or the hood.” Eric said, gesturing to the sunglasses in Abed’s hand. “This will take us right there. You’re welcome.”

The whole show, the conversation they were having, and the way Eric was looking at him made everything fall in place at once. “ _You know._ ” Abed realized.

“Takes one to know one.” Eric said back, a smirk flashing across his face.

“You’re a vampire too? Why don’t you have fangs?”

Eric opened his mouth and fangs slid out from his normal teeth. “You’ll be able to do it when you’re older.”

“How much older?”

“I dunno, one, maybe two.”

“One or two what?”

“Centuries.”

“How old are you then?”

“Like fifteen hundred years old. Give or take a few hundred.”

“That’s not the answer I was expecting.” Abed said, looking at Eric again. It was jarring to think he looked a few years older than Abed but measured time in centuries like it was nothing. “You basically have no clue how old you are, though.”

“Well how old are you?”

Abed started to answer, but felt himself losing track of the years. _Was he turned seven years ago? Or eight, maybe? He’d remember if it had been a decade, right?_

“Exactly.” Eric said. “It’s easy to lose count. And I mean, the vast majority of mine are a blur. Drugs were even easier to get a hold of before humans had to go and take the cocaine out of their cough syrups. ”

“Understandable. Do you have a familiar?”

“Nope.” Eric said. “Yours is that tall white guy right, big forehead?”

“That’d be the one.” Abed said. “Do you get lonely without one?” He asked, then figured that was probably a little mean.

“Me and loneliness have been broken up for a thousand years. You just get used to it. I’ve got some human friends that know though, Hannibal included.” Eric told him. “Plus I fuck around a lot, can’t complain about that.”

“How many _humans_ have you told?” Abed asked, unable to shake the way referring to ‘humans’ as something other than himself made his skin crawl a little.

“Some friends I’ve met over the years, but not many. A few people here know, and I imagine everyone else working this set must think something is up, but what would they say?”

“Do you know any other vampires?”

“So many questions kid, holy fuck. I know a lot, keep in touch with a few. We’re pretty good at spotting each other.”

“How’d you spot me?” Abed asked.

“Ten minutes into your little webseries I was sure of it, you got everything a bit _too_ right. Not to mention you’re from Greendale Community College, no shock you ran into some weird shit.”

“You know about Greendale?”

“Yeah, we all heard about that zombie thing.”

“What zombie thing?”

“Everyone got turned into fucking zombies there man, I don’t know. Just heard it through the grapevine or whatever a while back.”

“Must’ve been before I went there.” Abed said.

“Probably. All I know is, the place was out of the ordinary before you got turned.”

“You’re telling me.” Abed laughed. It was undeniably odd, talking to who he thought was a comedian until ten minutes ago about Greendale and immortality. “Any other vampires I’d know?”

“Probably too many to list,” Eric said flippantly. “Me and Mulaney hang out though. We’ve got similar shit going right now.”

Abed blinked back the shock in his eyes. “ _John Mulaney is a vampire?_ ”

“Well actually he’s a familiar. His wife’s the vampire. They’re pretty young though, maybe a hundred or so?”

“That’s the best news I’ve ever heard.”

“Alright man, one more question, then I’ve gotta go help with editing on that episode.”

“How do you get us to show up on film?”

“Fuck, I actually almost forgot to tell you about that. Some vampire made a program you can put the footage through, or you can install it directly onto cameras and phones and shit. I’ll get it to you.”

“How does that work?” Abed asked, realizing it was another question but hoping Eric would let it slide.

“I have no fucking clue and I honestly don’t care. We’ve been figuring out how to avoid that particular weakness since cameras were invented.”

“You don’t want to know?”

“I know plenty of things, and one of them is that none of those things matter. I just have fun, it takes a lot of experience to make a show this unhinged. But the world’s gonna keep spinning regardless of what we do. I don’t know how an iPhone works, and I didn’t know how plumbing worked when that was invented. I mean name one person that does who isn’t a fucking plumber.”

“I actually could, but there are some extenuating circumstances there. He’s sort of a messiah.”

“I’ve met more of those than I can count.” Eric chuckled. They’d reached the end of the hallway, and Eric opened the door without stepping into the sun.

“Thanks.” Abed said as Jeff pulled up in the car they’d rented. “For putting me on your show, because it’s sort of a dream come true. And for letting me interrogate you. It’s been nice to meet another vampire.”

“No problem kid. Let me know if you need anything, I can probably get it.”

Abed did have one thing he really wanted, but he wasn’t just going to ask, so he started to turn towards the car.

“I’ll send John’s number over with that program.” Eric added begrudgingly.

Abed grinned. “Cool cool cool.”

…

_Jeff and Abed’s Apartment, a few months later_

“Abed, this is going to be the greatest night ever. New episode of Eric Andre, and he’s fucking interviewing you on it! You’re famous.” Troy said excitedly as Abed opened the door, immediately doing their handshake.

“Famous is a strong word, Troy.” Jeff replied from the couch, where he was messing with an iPad. “Say hi.” He told them as Annie’s face flashed on the screen.

“Annie!” Troy yelled.

“Hey guys!” Annie waved. “I’m so excited. This was such a good idea Abed! At least I can feel like I’m watching it with you. Sucks that this is the closest we’re gonna get till Thanksgiving.”

“I’m a little nervous to see what you guys think,” Abed said to Annie and Britta. “There’s a reason Shirley isn’t calling in for this.”

“What does that mean?” Britta asked.

“You’ll see.” Jeff smirked as the episode started and Abed shushed them all.

…

“Abed, you’re barely getting a word in!” Annie yelled from through the screen.

Jeff chuckled. “I had a feeling that was gonna happen.”

“I just wanted to watch him do his thing, no point in me talking over it.” Abed told them.

“Geez Abed, was that guy actually naked?” Britta asked as the P.A. was dragged out. Annie covered her eyes.

“Totally naked. It was hilarious.”

“ _Awesome. _” Troy gasped.__

__“I can’t believe he was so nice to you in real life too.” Britta said._ _

__“Somehow I feel like the fact that he’s basically a god is more surprising.” Jeff said back._ _

__“Well that too.” Britta added. “But a celebrity that’s actually nice is pretty hard to find.”_ _

__“I wouldn’t call this guy a celebrity, Britta.” Annie said. “He’s basically a free-floating agent of chaos.”_ _

__Abed pointed a finger gun towards the iPad. “She’s right.”_ _

__Troy was still staring at the screen even as the end credits were rolling. “Abed, we’re going to need to watch this about a thousand more times.”_ _

__“Already put it on the DVR.” Abed grinned._ _

____

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading u guys! im jabedalien on tumblr as well :)


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